Wednesday, January 24, 2007

You Just Have to Read This One!!

Senior Banking
> Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year

> old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it
> published in the New York Times. (I trust that they returned her $30
> penalty.)
> Dear Sir:
> I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I
> endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
> By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his
> presenting the check and the arrival in my account of my monthly
> pension funds needed to honor it.
> I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire
> pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only
> eight years.
> You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,
> and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the
> inconvenience caused to your bank.
> My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
> caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
> I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and
> letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the
> impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your
> bank has become.
> From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
> person.
> My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer

> be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed
> personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you
> must nominate.
> Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other
> person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application
> Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.
> I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much
> about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
> Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
> countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her

> financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
> accompanied by documented proof.
> In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a
> PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
> I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
> modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my

> account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is
> the sincerest form of flattery.
> Let me level the playing field even further.
> When you call me, press buttons as follows:
> #1 To make an appointment to see me
> #2. To query a missing payment.
> #3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
> #4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
> #5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
> #6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home #7.
> To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is

required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that

> Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
> #8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
> #9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be
> put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
> While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music
> will play for the duration of the call.
> Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
> establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement with

> the phone company.
> May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
> Your Humble Client
> (Remember: This was written by a 86 year old woman.)


Des_Moines_Girl said...


Barb the Evil Genius said...

Ah, the age of technology.

Lutheran Lucy said...

Yes DMG, this was brilliant! I would love to meet this lady!

Barb, isn't it amazing that she was up on all of this?! How neat! By the way, I really like your picture!! :)

Barb the Evil Genius said...

Lucy, I hate to tell ya, but this was originally written as a humor piece by a man. Story is here.

Scottius Maximus said...


That's hilarious!

Lutheran Lucy said...

Hey Barb! Thanks for clearing this one up!! :)